quote:

---

WASHINGTON, DC—In a historic decision with major implications for the future of U.S. participatory democracy, the Supreme Court ruled 8-1 Monday that the American people are unfit to govern.

The controversial decision, the first of its kind in the 210-year history of U.S. representative government, was, according to Justice David Souter, "a response to the clear, demonstrable incompetence and indifference of the current U.S. citizenry in matters concerning the operation of this nation's government."

As a result of the ruling, the American people will no longer retain the power to choose their own federal, state, and local officials or vote on matters of concern to the public.

"This decision was by no means easy, but it unfortunately had to be done," said Justice Antonin Scalia, who penned the majority decision in the case. "The U.S. Constitution is very clear: In the event that the voting public becomes incapacitated or otherwise unfit to carry out its duties of self-governance, there is a danger posed to the republic, and the judicial branch is empowered to remove said public and replace it with a populace more qualified to lead."

...

But the final straw, Supreme Court justices said, came last week, when none of the 500,000 random citizens polled were aware of the existence of North Korea's nuclear-weapons program.

"I mean, come on," Justice William Rehnquist said. "The threat of global thermonuclear war? It's just ridiculous. There was no way we could trust such a populace to keep running things after that."

Populations currently being considered to fill the leadership void until the American people can be rehabilitated and returned to self-governance include those of Switzerland, Sweden, and Canada.

"I'm willing to do what I can to help out in this time of crisis and make sure that my vote counts," Stockholm resident Per Johanssen said. "I've been reading up on America a bit, just to get a general idea of what needs to be done, and from what I can tell, they really need some sort of broad-based healthcare reform over there right away."

In a provisional test of the new system, the Canadian province of Saskatchewan will hold primaries next Tuesday to re-evaluate last year's gubernatorial election in California.

The lone dissenting vote came from Justice Anthony Kennedy, who, in his minority opinion, wrote, "Although the American people are clearly unable to make responsible decisions at this time, it is not their fault that they are so uninformed. Rather, the blame lies with the media interests and corporate powers that intentionally keep them in the dark on crucial issues."

Kennedy concluded his opinion by tendering his resignation and announcing his intent "to move to a small island somewhere."

Thus far, reaction to the ruling has been largely indifferent.

---