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Author
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Topic: sexism where you least expect it
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swirrlygrrl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 2170
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posted 07 April 2005 12:05 PM
A man who I respect immensely, who has acted as a strong mentor for me this year, just made me so angry and dissapointed I want to cry. I have brought up several "isolated" instances in which we sent all male delegations to events or committees, and in each case the argument was made that in this case, we didn't have anyone else, or timing wouldn't let us do a broader search, or it was just very important that these particular people were the only ones who could do the job. I was starting to feel uncomfortable with this pattern, and when I once again brought up the issue of gender parity on a financial review committee, things exploded. He is claiming complete surprise at this issue, since, after all, our organization is female dominated (true, in that the majority of our administrative and casual positions are held by women). Of course, our "appointed" positions and the rewarding conference work that really develops people are all male dominated. He argued with me. He refused to even consider that there might be a problem, or that this isssue should be looked at for the future. He got very defensive. This is a guy who's done extensive work on queer issues in his academic and volunteer life, and on gender issues (in exploring "pro-feminist male" lit). This is a guy who I have admired and encouraged to move into politics and on. And I feel like I have been betrayed, or like I betrayed myself for not pushing this earlier. After several minutes of trying to explain that sheer numbers didn't mean there wasn't a problem, particularly when there was a clear sex role differentiation in the jobs held by these women, and that there was a difference between readily accepting "exceptional" women who already had the skills and fostering women's development (the way we've fostered some men), I had to stop. I wanted to cry. I was so exhausted by him, by fighting someone who was supposed to be on my side, who is supposed to understand this kind of stuff. The fact that he didn't even act like this was a legitimate concern is the worst part. I don't have the energy right now to fight this, but the decision has to be made by tommorow. I could send the email I was typing when he stopped by, since the group probably needs a response from me on the issue. But I just want to go home.
From: the bushes outside your house | Registered: Feb 2002
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nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402
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posted 07 April 2005 04:45 PM
quote:
Is this one of those pseudo-feminist men who pay really good lip service to feminism but somehow manage to turn any discussion about womens issues into a discussion about men? Is he, in the words of Bust magazine, a wimpster?
Probably not. He probably believes he's 'gender-blind', and the number of women around him proves it. He probably doesn't intend to favour men: the prejudice is in a separate compartment of his mind. You see this kind of thing all the time, as regards sex, age, race, ehtnicity and class. Some well-meaning people have learned the language, assumed the values, support the politics, but have not yet adjusted their internal merit-meter. This confrontation isn't going to change his behaviour instantly. It will, however, go into his data-banks. It will make him look at situations a little bit differently. When he recounts it to his wife, and she hesitates for 30 seconds before saying, "Honey, it's not your fault.", he'll be miffed, but it will work on his subconscious. A shift of attitude takes time.
Waiting is a bitch.
From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001
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swirrlygrrl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 2170
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posted 09 April 2005 11:45 AM
Thanks for the supportive words all. I started to question if I was overreacting to this, but from a few conversations I've had with people around the organization, I don't think so. Its amazing how such an incident can make you question yourself. FYI, I didn't win the fight. No one else publicly weighed in (and I didn't send the email I had been writing) aside from a female staff member (top position in the org, btw, not admin staff) who was more open to the idea that we should at least deal with my concern in the future. She proclaimed that she considered herself a feminist, but that to take a less qualified woman in this case, since it was so important we have experienced people we trusted in these positions, was tokenism. I couldn't believe it. The other members of the team (there were 5 of us involved in this) expected that he and I would work this out between ourselves, but that didn't happen. So, the appointment of these two experienced men went forward to the larger group we are accountable to...and one of them voluntarily stepped down and was replaced by another man who expressed interest in the position (because he wasn't gung ho about continuing...he was willing if there was no other interest). And neither of the people who had argued to me it was just damn important we had these two specific people because of the history did anything. I abstained from the vote on the issue. I have also abstained from having any conversation with either of these individuals until I've calmed down. Next week is not going to be fun. 
From: the bushes outside your house | Registered: Feb 2002
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skdadl
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 478
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posted 09 April 2005 11:58 AM
swirrly, sorry I haven't seen this discussion till now. Empathetic vibes coming your way. I've had a few similar uncomfortable revelations about people I'd felt close to, and I can't improve on nonesuch's analysis. But it's a such a jolt when you've admired someone or felt grateful to him/her. When I was younger, I was just coping with blatant sexism, which in some ways is easier to respond to: you just get mad.  A few years ago, though, I ran into a problem sort of like what you're describing with a considerably younger male colleague, smart, charming fellow I had been really happy to work with. In his case, the worm in the apple was abortion: he had absolutely closed his mind to pro-choice arguments, and for that reason a lot of other backlash attitudes to "feminists" had started to simmer away in his mind, I guess, and suddenly one day they burst out. I've said often here that I think that younger men have come so far on feminist issues, have really internalized so much in their lives, and I still believe that. But in some ways, I think, the political lines are less clear now than they were back in the days of open revolt, so you run into more people who are more or less picking and choosing which aspects of a liberationist politics they can support. And some of those people are vulnerable to single-issue backlashes. Sorry you have to struggle with this when you are working so hard, swirrly.
From: gone | Registered: May 2001
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nonsuch
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 1402
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posted 09 April 2005 12:02 PM
Edited to clarify response, having been unaware of intervening post.
Which is spot-on, by the way.
Many people - and not, by any means, all male - are confused by current issues. I sympathize with some of them, impatient with some, sorely tempted to give some a kick in the slats.
But i find that less discouraging than double-think. There is so little you can do for/to/with/about people who hold two or more incompatible convictions with equal fervor. And you never can predict which one they'll act on in a given situation.
quote:
Next week is not going to be fun.
No, it won't.
And the conflict will come around again. It's not going to be resolved in my lifetime - but might be, in yours. [ 09 April 2005: Message edited by: nonesuch ]
From: coming and going | Registered: Sep 2001
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