John Vockeroth has pleaded guilty to one charge of failing to provide the necessities of life for his wife, Lily, who died last year after being found in a filthy bed in their Ottawa home.

A psychiatric report says she refused to go to hospital after a fall, and became so abusive, that her husband just gave up trying to care for her.

canoe.ca

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In the summer of 2003, Mrs. Vockeroth fell and complained of hip pain. Instead of going to the hospital, as Mr. Vockeroth said he suggested, she took to her bed and demanded alcohol, becoming verbally abusive when the need wasn't fulfilled. He said he would try to feed her daily, but she would refuse often.

Mr. Vockeroth said his wife was difficult in other ways too and wouldn't co-operate when she soiled herself. During a court ordered psychiatric assessment, Mr. Vockeroth told Dr. John Dimock that two days before she slipped into a coma, she told him to "go to hell" when he suggested she go to the hospital.

...

In a police interview following his arrest, Mr. Vockeroth admitted his wife had asked for assistance at various times during the last months of her life, but he had procrastinated about getting it because he felt to do so would be "delaying the inevitable."

This conclusion was also reached by Dr. Dimock.

...

"It was a sad mistake of not giving her the care she should have had and of not forcing her to go to the hospital," he said. "Those are the things I blame myself for. I gave her food and whatever she wanted, even red wine, and tried to keep her clean, but I must admit, I could have done a much better job of it.

Mr. Vockeroth said he slackened off in his care for his wife, cleaning her "every few days."

"It makes me look pretty callous, which I guess I was," he said.

"In retrospect, I realized I should have insisted she have treatment in hospital before she did."

The sentence of one year house arrest, during which Mr. Vockeroth can only leave home to work, get food, and go to the doctor for the first four months, was a joint position reached by his lawyer, Peter Beach, and Mr. Mack.

...

"However morbidly difficult your wife might have been, you are an intelligent, sophisticated and highly educated man," the judge said to Mr. Vockeroth before imposing the sentence.

"Too intelligent to have allowed the situation in which you both found yourselves to deteriorate so badly."

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But I can imagine all too easily what happened. I'm guessing that he was at least mildly depressed, and he is, after all, 76, an age at which the average North American male is dead.

I'm also guessing that she was in some stage of dementia.

I know that these things happen often -- often -- to families left to cope with the disabilities of age on their own. A paramedic once described to me and a friend for about an hour the things he sees weekly in this city, the people who "fall through the cracks."

He freaking murdered her over a period of several months, apathy is a good defense it seems.

What kind of recriminations and judgement would have happened if it was the wife who did this I wonder?

Headlines and article may have read:

One of Canada's Leading Entomologists Was Murdered by Wife's Neglect

Wife was convicted of murder and sentenced to spend the rest of her days in a pyschiatric facility/jail. This judgement came following the death of her husband after a year of intentional neglect and abuse.....

He should be in jail.

Edited to change time frame from a year to several months.

[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: remind ]

The first question to ask is definitely: where were those sons? Where was anyone else in the family or social circle of this couple? Where were the neighbours?

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What kind of recriminations and judgement would have happened if it was the wife who did this I wonder?

Headlines and article may have read:

One of Canada's Leading Entomologists Was Murdered by Wife's Neglect

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Originally posted by skdadl:
remind, I agree with your first sentence, but nothing after that.

The first question to ask is definitely: where were those sons? Where was anyone else in the family or social circle of this couple? Where were the neighbours?

And you are wrong, remind, about how long this went on -- you say a year; read the article over again.

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Oh pardon me then, it was only several months of neglect not a year. She asked for help and he did not give it period. His actions were criminal period.

On the one hand, I think that the police and then the rest of the heavy-handed apparatus of the state came down in all the wrong ways in this case (read that pompous judge's message from on high). On the other, they at least did us the favour of waking people up to the existence of such cases.

There are so many reflections and observations to be made -- for instance, do you know how many seniors die in nursing homes covered in layers of feces and urine every year? Their bodies ravaged by untreated infections? The Toronto Star told us and our sainted minister of health (Mr Smitherman) all about that last spring, and our sainted minister cried copious crocodile tears in public when he read those stories ... and he has changed ... what?

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Originally posted by ronb:

On the contrary, if your hypothetical dead entomologist were as abusive as this man's wife appears to have been, I suspect that she would recieve far more lenient treatment.

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If she was that abusive and he could not look after her then he should have sent her to a Continuing Care institution. Premeditated neglect leading to death can not be excused by his crying of abuse after the fact.

You have clearly never cared for a demented, incontinent person. You have no idea of what this man went through. None.

Of course, in jail, he would be in grave danger of being hurt or killed.

And WHY?

If he is sharp as a tack, yet allows his wife to starve, I think he HAS done something wrong. If he is deteriorating, though, then it is probably a way of victimizing him for being sick.

The law is really strict on this, though; unless you are certifiably insane, you are "criminally responsible". Lots of people are "sane" but pretty foggy about what is going on.

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Originally posted by skdadl:
remind, you have clearly never been depressed.

You have clearly never cared for a demented, incontinent person. You have no idea of what this man went through. None.

I do.

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You are so absolutely wrong on this skdadl, I do know how hard it is to look after someone, most intimately. I have cared for 100's of demented and incontinent peoples in my 25 years as a nurse both in institutional and home care settings. This includes my mother for 2 years, 24 hours a day in her home, until she died last year at this time, from continuing mini strokes that ate her mind away.

Which is most likely why I am so upset about this, as I could not imagine this being my mother who this happened to all because someone could not be bothered to ask for help.

I am building up a list of people I want to interview some day soon. And I've just been reminded that high on that list should be the paramedics.

Off the record, they will tell you things that you're not often going to hear in a courtroom, for sure. They see us -- all of us -- when the wheels have suddenly come off our lives, when suddenly everything is falling apart.

Most people don't want to believe that that could happen to them. People want to believe there is something wrong with a guy like this precisely because they're afraid it could be them. So we distance ourselves, protect ourselves, by demonizing him.

He is a lot more average than you think. I know that I could have been him. I know it. So do the paramedics -- and the doctors and nurses, come to that.

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Originally posted by skdadl:
Most people don't want to believe that that could happen to them. People want to believe there is something wrong with a guy like this precisely because they're afraid it could be them. So we distance ourselves, protect ourselves, by demonizing him.

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There is something wrong with him end of story.

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He is a lot more average than you think. I know that I could have been him. I know it. So do the paramedics -- and the doctors and nurses, come to that.

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Perhaps thing are different in Ontario, but it is not the average here in BC.

Please reread the end of the article and the comments by the Judge. I repeat the man at 76 went to work and is still working. He is not just some little old man.

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The sentence of one year house arrest, during which Mr. Vockeroth can only leave home to work, get food, and go to the doctor for the first four months, was a joint position reached by his lawyer, Peter Beach, and Mr. Mack.

It was endorsed by Ontario Court Justice Paul Belanger, who said he sympathized greatly with Mrs. Vockeroth's plight, even if some of her difficulties were her own doing.

The judge said an intelligent man like Mr. Vockeroth could, and should, have taken steps to ward off the tragic situation that developed in their house on Birch Avenue.

"However morbidly difficult your wife might have been, you are an intelligent, sophisticated and highly educated man," the judge said to Mr. Vockeroth before imposing the sentence.

"Too intelligent to have allowed the situation in which you both found yourselves to deteriorate so badly."

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[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: remind ]

"He freaking murdered her over a period of several months, apathy is a good defense it seems."

I can only Imagine the agony she went through being starved to death.Try not eating for 5 days and see.

Starvation is pure agony.

I know of a couple where the man left his wife to shag up with a younger woman(She was 56),took off to his cottage,renovated it,put in a brand new whirl pool bath for 4 and started a new life.(And this man still goes skiing.

He's 73

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He freaking murdered her over a period of several months, apathy is a good defense it seems.

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[ 11 May 2005: Message edited by: Agent 204 ]

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A psychiatric report by Dr. John Dimock said Vockeroth has no mental problems.

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The law is really strict on this, though; unless you are certifiably insane, you are "criminally responsible". Lots of people are "sane" but pretty foggy about what is going on.

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Originally posted by CoolGal:
I know of a couple where the man left his wife to shag up with a younger woman(She was 56),took off to his cottage,renovated it,put in a brand new whirl pool bath for 4 and started a new life.(And this man still goes skiing.

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John Richard Vockeroth pleaded guilty to failing to provide the necessities of life to Lily Ann Vockeroth, 78, who died last year after being found in layers of feces in a urine-soaked bed on the second storey of their Ottawa home.

A serious fall had confined her to her bed for several months before her death.

Pathology reports showed the cause of death was starvation, complicated by the open sores that covered her body.

A psychiatric report on Mr. Vockeroth says his wife refused to go to the hospital after the fall in the summer of 2003 and was so abusive to Mr. Vockeroth as he tried to care for her that he just gave up.

However, according to an agreed upon statement of facts read in court yesterday by assistant Crown attorney Dallas Mack, Mr. Vockeroth admitted to police that his wife had asked for help and he didn't provide it.

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Still wouldn't it have been an ideal opportunity for him to have her moved to a facility which could have taken proper care of her and left him his freedom?

I know about depression and care of a dying loved one, I still see no excuse here

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Originally posted by remind:
Failing to provide, on this level for this amount of time, is murder from negligence,

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I tell you that paramedics have told me that these stories happen often. Most people never hear about them, but, through some fluke, this guy not only was not noticed by family or neighbours for months, but beyond that, he got charged, which is not what usually happens.

And all you can do is focus on him? The poor schlemiel?

[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: skdadl ]

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Originally posted by remind:
That is exactly what I meant, it was intentional negligence.

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[ 11 May 2005: Message edited by: Agent 204 ]

He's alive,in the house he is used to being in, she's the one that is dead.

I do think the people around them also bear responsibility for this.

However, surely you do not hold him blameless?

[ 11 May 2005: Message edited by: Agent 204 ]

The heinous cruelty inflicted upon her was not done by some "poor schlemiel", which is most likely why he was charged and found guilty, albeit to a lesser charge than he should have in my opinion.

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Originally posted by skdadl:
Y'know, this astounds me.

I tell you that paramedics have told me that these stories happen often. Most people never hear about them, but, through some fluke, this guy not only was not noticed by family or neighbours for months, but beyond that, he got charged, which is not what usually happens.

And all you can do is focus on him? The poor schlemiel?

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He admitted he decided to let her starve and I cannot understand people thinking he is some poor schlemiel.

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An autopsy showed Mrs. Vockeroth had been suffering from severe dehydration and malnutrition. The cause of her death was starvation. The pathologist concluded it took months of "neglect" for Mrs. Vockeroth's condition to get as bad as it was at the time of her death.

In a police interview following his arrest, Mr. Vockeroth admitted his wife had asked for assistance at various times during the last months of her life, but he had procrastinated about getting it because he felt to do so would be "delaying the inevitable."

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Edited to address Mike Keenan's comment of:

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It's a bit harsh to say he considered it "an opportune time to get rid of her", without further evidence. He didn't do enough to help her, granted, but I agree with those who say sending him to jail for this is pointless.

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Based on the mans own testimony as in the above quote" delaying the inevitable", I would say that Debra's comments of an opportune time are a fair assessment.

[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: remind ]

Unless we're talking about the wider world (especially George Smitherman, and every health minister who's preceded him -- and throw in the Finance Dep't in Ottawa while you're at it). Then I grasp it.

I know where I start from, and that is from the heart of a support group I sat through this spring.

I was there as someone who, through pure dumb luck I now think, didn't collapse and didn't lose her love for the person she cared for.

But you look up above at ronb's sad post about his friend, the son who withdrew emotionally, and who now torments himself over something that I know he could not control. (*heart* to your friend, ronb.)

I've heard that story so many times. I know of at least one suicide that was a consequence of the "blame" that we all aim at one another so much and that everyone who is suddenly caught up in a catastrophe has internalized so well -- well enough to commit suicide over later.

What I do not understand is why it is so hard for people to look at this man and say: That could be me.

I say that as someone who never was in his shoes. I wasn't him. I didn't do that. I am a lot younger, almost twenty years younger. I was healthy. I love my husband still. I had exceptional outside resources. Everything fell into place for me and for him.

But I could have been this poor schlemiel none the less. I know that I could have been. And I know that you could be too.

As I read that story, he worked at caring for her ... ineffectually. As you will know, if you have experience, it takes only an hour or so to become "caked in feces and urine."

He wasn't doing what you and I have done, which is brave the blows and the bites and the kicks and the head-butts in the first few minutes, many times a day, to make sure that the feces and urine don't get caked on.

But he was fumbling about, doing his ineffectual and probably depressed best. (Refer to jeff house's language above.)

That is what many people are doing when family members or friends finally step in.

I recognize, remind, that you are a super-competent angel who would never have failed to meet such a superhuman challenge.

However, most people faced with such a challenge finally do collapse. Ask the paramedics and the doctors and the nurses.

I *do* see the pov of 'there but for the grace of God go I', because I *could* see myself in that situation; but IMO 3 months or however long is *too long* for someone to go without making any effort to help their spouse (or themselves) in any way.

He was trying. Ineffectually. But he was trying. Please read the texts.

To do primary care-giving effectively requires one of two things: professional training, or profound love that can be expressed easily and openly, physically.

Very very few people have either.

[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: skdadl ]

I mean maybe you have more experience so perhaps you are right.

My mom and I had many differences although I did learn a lot from her.

Caring for her even while pregnant was no big thing for me, Yet my sister would leave her for hours at a time.

Even were it necessary for me to care for my ex brother in law I would do it to the best of my ability and he took my innocence, as they say, at 8 years old.

I think it is a shame that he didn't give up and call for help. In my mind, that is how it would have been: give up and call for help.

He didn't, and this is what happened.

The thing about easy and open, physical expressions of love: yes, I think that is hard.

It isn't hard between partners who still love each other. Well, it can be hard, but that definitely helps.

There's a hard truth, though: lots and lots of married couples in their seventies don't especially love one another any more. That's just the way it is. It's no one's fault, and it is dreadful in us, I think, that we should hold anyone's feet to the fire in such a situation.

One of my aunts, when she realized what she was facing with my beloved uncle, decided to commit him at what I would consider a very early stage. He turned on her and denounced her; announced that their marriage was over; that he would never see her again -- and he never did.

I understand what she did; I understand his desperate reaction. I wouldn't trust anyone who didn't grasp both.

Children? Taking care of their parents? I have met a few for whom there are no barriers. It happens. But it is unusual.

And to me, there should be no blame there at all. And yet so many feel it: they know that they are ineffectual in what they do, and yet they torment themselves instead of recognizing that their relationship with their parents would never have permitted them to go any further than they did.

Some psychological honesty would help us all so much. That's definitely not what the pompous judge was giving us in this case.

[ 17 December 2004: Message edited by: skdadl ]

I know I would..

yes not all people would .. but you seem to be saying that if death is over a longer and more painful period that it is ok to look away.

You ask why he didn't book her in somewhere.

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Originally posted by skdadl:
No, remind, he didn't.

As I read that story, he worked at caring for her ... ineffectually.

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This is what the article said:

"In a police interview following his arrest, Mr. Vockeroth admitted his wife had asked for assistance at various times during the last months of her life, but he had procrastinated about getting it because he felt to do so would be "delaying the inevitable."

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As you will know, if you have experience, it takes only an hour or so to become "caked in feces and urine." .

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Bed sores do not happen over night, nor does getting covered in them. He admitted he did not clean her for days.

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He wasn't doing what you and I have done, which is brave the blows and the bites and the kicks and the head-butts in the first few minutes, many times a day, to make sure that the feces and urine don't get caked on..

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Yes, I braved the blows, the bites, and the screaming in the ear if it happened to be close while I was washing, dressing or feeding her. Why? Because I loved her, she was my mother and my best friend. Her mother died when she was a baby and she had spent the first 3 years of her life in a orphanage, and was terrified of institutions, and I could not let her die in one. And I was fortunate enough to be professionally trained so that I could look after her.

Though at that time I had at that time changed careers, because I was burnt out from palliative care and working with mental health patients and decided to go back to school.

Look, skdadl, I understand that most families cannot do so, but they get help they do not leave their loved ones to starve to fucking death.

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But he was fumbling about, doing his ineffectual and probably depressed best.

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He is a working scientist not a doddering old man.

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I recognize, remind, that you are a super-competent angel who would never have failed to meet such a superhuman challenge.

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I met it because I loved her and wanted to spend that precious time I had left with her, for every bad day there were good days, where I would just lay with her, hold her hand and laugh or swear at politicians on TV with her. No matter how tired or stressed I was, I would not have left her for days without being cleaned or without food. Not many would either, I think. In all the years i was a hiome care nurse, I never once saw that degree of neglect.

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However, most people faced with such a challenge finally do collapse. Ask the paramedics and the doctors and the nurses.

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Yes, they do, I know this all too well. But the many do not do what this man did to his wife.

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And look at the stats on death-rates for primary caregivers.

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I should have thought that we all would care more about the people caught up in catastrophic situations -- and there is no question that they often are catastrophic -- than about making debating points.

However: although I do disagree with you, and I think that you are quoting selectively there, I have been ruled wrong in my exchanges with you, so I'm gone.

It was not a debating point at all, and how dare you belittle my life and experiences with my mother by suggesting they are debating points!

Okay. I'll admit, for the sake of argument, that he's a bastard. What does this have to do with the case at hand?

I was referring to skadadl's comment:

"But I can imagine all too easily what happened. I'm guessing that he was at least mildly depressed, and he is, after all, 76, an age at which the average North American male is dead."

I disagree that his age (70 to 80)should be an excuse for his crime.This is why I posted an example of an elderly person who is still quite active at this age and still moving forward.
We could go into this more extensively but you get my point.

lagatta

"I don't see what good to anyone could come of sentencing that man to prison"

Once again I have to agree with (Remind) This is Astounding.

The only answer here is: Maybe it would do the VICTIM some good and her family to sentence that man to prison.
And it would send a message to others out there that this is not acceptable.
Killing is Killing,but this is worse it was TORTURE.

skdadl

"I know that these things happen often -- often -- to families left to cope with the disabilities of age on their own. A paramedic once described to me and a friend for about an hour the things he sees weekly in this city, the people who "fall through the cracks."