Can any of you recommend books, sites, or just tried-and-true tips on how to help a female family member see that her relationship is unhealthy, and help her leave it?

I realise this topic is vast, and often feels hopeless, which is why I'm asking for some specific things.

The situation we have been seeing for over a year now just keeps getting worse. Classic stuff really. Alienated from friends and family "I'm the only one that loves you", telling her that he'll kill himself if she leaves him, rapid weight gain, insistance that she not work -causing her to be dependant on him financially and not leave the house-, spitting in her face, -she broke his nose- etc... the list goes on.

We're in that tough situation... we're on the other side of the country, how do we help her without pushing her away? She "loves" him of course, so, we don't want to have this only further entrench her.

Maybe true stories of child abuse - mommy dearest type books that focus on emotional abuse would be best. Even something like Daniel Steeles Nick Traina which focuses on someone whose personality takes dramatic shifts could help loosen the grip. Or a book about Terry Sawchuk.

I need a book for ME to read, not her, she wouldn't read a book and would probably be offended by it.

BUT. This is not even normal on the surface... they fight and scream infront of people. I KNOW this is a bad relationship. My husband knows it. Dogs know it. She doesn't... or even if she does, she "feels like she won the lottery" and won't see the bad.

If I remember correctly, she is away from family, so it may help to bring her out for a visit solo and let her get a taste of seperation for a week or two. It also looks like a holiday. Be prepared to cover the cost of it.

The ending was somewhat happy, or at least not as bad as it could be. After he went out and got another woman pregnant she saw the light and ditched him.

My only advice would be to continually engage her on other issues, besides the relationship. Talk to her about any issues in her life and keep engaged and interested, but let her know you don't approve of the relationship, you've made your feelings clear, your feelings for him have nothing to do with your feelings for her, but you just won't discuss her relationship with her any more. Maybe if you can build her esteem up in other areas it will help her see the light. Let her know you'll always be there for her, even if you want nothing to do with him.

http://www.upublish.com/dps-b-pdf/1120664b.pdf http://hardtruth.topcities.com/if_chapter9.htm

Having been in an abusive relationship (actually a couple, though neither were physically abusive), the one thing that has to be understood is that the woman has to feel like she's getting something out of the relationship in order for her to stay. This isn't necessarily true of severely abusive relationships where women feel trapped and unable to leave, but it doesn't sound like your relative is there yet.

So you have to ask yourself, "What is her payoff?" Maybe ask her outright, because she may not have defined it for herself. And in thinking about it, she may discover that the payoff isn't so rich as she currently thinks.

But in the end, she will have to come to the conclusion for herself. Much as you hate to see such a thing happen, it's her life, she's an adult, and she is responsible for herself.

I asked her "what's good about your relationship? What do you like about MrX?" The answer? "He wants to take care of me, and I know that he needs me, and he'll provide for me..." It was like I was reading it right out of the Burning Bed.

We sent him a Christmas present along with the rest of the family, just so we weren't rude... Everyone has told her, except me, that they don't approve. I wanted to try to be her friend, and was worried that if I chimed in that she'd just tune everyone out. This is so frustrating. She's only 40 minutes away from her parents, and goes to visit them often. He is working far far away, and we were hoping that this would be a break from it... but now she's planning on moving to this workplace with him.... it's a remote area, and that's why I've grown concerned enough to post about it on a message board... no offense.

I have found with most people I have known who were in miserable relationships that occasionally they let things slip about how unhappy they really are. Even things that sound like day to day griping. This is your opportunity to be of some possible help. Agree with what she is saying. Encourage your friend to talk about it when she brings things up. Tell her that she deserves better and hopefully she will begin to see that. Remind her of happier times from before she started dating this man if she believes she's not good enough without him.

Someone close to me(but also living on the other side of the country) recently broke up with her fiancee in a somewhat similar situation. It took some time for her to actually make the decision but the change in her has been incredible.

That helps. I'll try to remember that. The problem is, he's away now, so when he calls every three days he's not as much of a jerk, so she's only seeing the $$$...

There is nothing you can do except stand by her. She will make her own decision in time. My sister was smart and gorgeous but it was hard to put faith in her at the time. However, the hubby dug his own grave in the end.

It's great that you are trying to help her, but beware because you may end up alienating her. She feels powerless enough. Let her feel that you know she knows what she is doing. And then just let her talk.

Codependence no more helped my sister, as did Getting Them Sober. (A series of five books.)