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Future wars will be won on the playing fields of the comprehensive schools, at least the bits that have not already been sold to property developers. Our young folk may take to the army life like a duck to water, or even like a quail to a Dick Cheney hunting trip. . .

A spot of military service in the fourth year could offer valuable career opportunities . . .

With increasing demands on Britain’s military resources, the school battalions could be pressed into active service, like the Territorial Army.

Who needs a boring school trip to the south of France when a tour of duty can take you further afield? I look forward to news items such as: “The Ministry of Defence has announced that Portobello High School cadet force will be spending their summer holidays on secondment with the 1st Royal Tank Regiment in Afghanistan.

Parents will have new reasons for keeping the kids at home. “Please excuse Johnny for no’ being at the school the day as he is very bad wi’ the post traumatic stress disorder.

“Also as well he is full of the diahorrea [sic] after a bad kebab during the cadet force commando raid on Tehran last weekend.” Pupils will have new excuse options such as: “It wisnae me, sur, it wis friendly fire.”

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