I, therefore, extend this ivitation to one and all to join me for high tea. Only the finest china and silver will be used of course.

Naturally I can rely on you to dress accordingly. Proper hats, gloves and respectable dress.

I am wearing a pink taffeta dress, bustled of course, complimented by a wide brim hat festooned with flowers, and long white button up gloves.

The petit fours and tea have already been arranged. Certainly you may bring any dish or sweet you feel would compliment the table.

I look forward to receiving the pleasure of your company.

So, if you'll just give me a moment to button my gloves and pin my hat, we can start the revolution.

p.s. I'm curious to see what 'lance wears to your party.

How kind of you to let me come, as Audrey Hepburn so memorably said, repeatedly, in My Fair Lady. Sounds most propitious. Auspicious. Ambitious. (Suspicious? Salacious?)

Before I tell you what I'm wearing, though, I want to know what WingNut is planning. Last time we did this, he arrived decked out in the exact same outfit as I was wearing (although it really wasn't his colour) -- the humiliation, my dear! I know Wingy likes to think he's just "slapping me on the back," as it were, when he copies me all the time, but imagine how it must look to sophisticates like saskzen!

I think I will stick with a one-button white kid, if you don't mind -- you can never go wrong with a one-button white kid, I always say, and I always say things like that because, like saskzen, I feel the world can never get enough strict instruction in manners and morals from the likes of me!

I hear these old castles are rather drafty, or is it draughty, or do we play draughts? Whatever...If there is a breeze in the castle I suggest I bring Jerome as where there are drafts there are vermin.

I would like to know the kind of tea you are having. Québec is growing some very good tea and it might make a change in the atmosphere.

Do Gentlemen come to tea parties? I always thought they went into the den, drank whiskey, smoked cigars and of course played billiards. But if you insist....I certainly like the idea of HIGH tea. Most inviting.

I will of course be arriving with my one dog sleigh. You must have proper quarters for Alfred as the trip is rather tiring and he does need his energy.

I have a very special brownie recipe that I will bring along that I hope you will all enjoy.

We'll sit around the (electric) fire in our big comfy (imitation) leather chairs sipping (union-made) Canadian whisky discussing (video) fox-hunting and (water) polo. Then we can retire to the dining room and enjoy a nice dinner of barbecued (seitan) ribs.

We can hire our domestic staff from the ranks of the Liberal Party's youth wing. They're used to kissing the arses of their betters.

Is a pseudofelinoid allowed to crash the old ladies' tea party? I'm sure you all would love to rub a furry feline while he purrs contentedly in your lap.

But as there's already been a reference to My Fair Lady, I'll consult my Henry Higgins guide to being ladylike and do my best to emulate a green-eyed Audrey Hepburn.

Lovely gloves my darling. Very useful for keeping finger prints off of the crystal. You know how nosey that CSIS catering can be.

Clersal I will of course immediately arrange accomodations for the animals. The felines of course have silk pillows near the table. One fiesty feline in particular shall have free range. You have met Dr. Kitty, yes?

Dear Zoot I can not imagine that you would disgrace yourself in any way my dear. Please do attend. Clersal brownies are simply not to be missed.

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But as there's already been a reference to My Fair Lady, I'll consult my Henry Higgins guide to being ladylike and do my best to emulate a green-eyed Audrey Hepburn.

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Zoot Capri, I've said it before, but I'll say it again: I think I'm in love.

I'm told I don't qualify as a gentleman, but may a still youngish man join in? I'm in touch with my inner old lady.

Oh, thank-you, Earthmother, yes, this IS a new suit. You don't really think I would wear just any old rag from my closet to your charming tea party, now, do you? Yes, it is brushed suede, the very devil to clean, but tut tut, that's of no account - I can always get a new one custom made if this one gets ruined. Your dress is also just chahhhhming, dahling.

Now I don't see why you male old ladies are talking about going to the other room - please don't forget that our dear Saskzen was talking about ALL of us old ladies, male AND female. In a way it is like the first chapter of Genesis, you know dahlings, where God creates man, male and female He created them. Old ladies was just meant to be a generic term to mean EVERYONE.

Oh dear me, I AM sorry for dampening the lightness of the conversation. Now that we have that little matter resolved, how ARE you my dear Skdadl? It's positively been an AGE since I saw you last - wasn't it at Tootsie's debutante ball? Her mother went so overboard with the flowers, but there...that family always did err on the side of extravagance.

Oh, I must really have one of those cucumber canapes - not too many cucumbers though - I have to maintain my girlish figure!

Skdadl, I see you brought some of your own tea again. Ah yes, the ready-mixed type - well, we all have our more base weaknesses, do we not? I prefer my custom blended mix from the Chateau de The in Paris - Pierre is really a genius at making my tea just the way I like it and shipping it back to me via airmail. Oh yes, it costs so much more that way, but the quality, dahhhling, the quality.

as much as i would love to attend your event, i must unfortunately decline
most respectfully yours,
Lotus Grrrl

The sleigh puller is a canine and must be supplied with dog biscuits now and again otherwise he stares. Very impolite. Also one must talk in french to the brutes otherwise they become quite dense. Of course dahlings do not forget the sherry. A little shot before high tea might be quite exciting.

Soon dahlings. Ta, ta.

I refuse to raise my pinky when drinking my cuppa.

I also refuse to sing 'Gawd' save anyone. Nor do I stand when royalty enters but I might want to touch those ermine capes.

This is definitely going to be a popping good pahty and we must not forget catnip for Doc.

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About thirty years ago Miss Maria Ward, of Huntingdon, with only seven thousand pounds, had the good luck to captivate Sir Thomas Bertram, of Mansfield Park, in the county of Northampton, and to be thereby raised to the rank of a baronet's lady, with all the comforts and consequences of an handsome house and large income. All Huntingdon exclaimed on the greatness of the match, and her uncle, the lawyer, himself, allowed her to be at least three thousand pounds short of any equitable claim to it. She had two sisters to be benefited by her elevation; and such of their acquaintance as thought Miss Ward and Miss Frances quite as handsome as Miss Maria, did not scruple to predict their marrying with almost equal advantage. But there certainly are not so many men of large fortune in the world as there are pretty women to deserve them.

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I did bring some traditional English scones for the occassion. I do hope 'lance doesn't dip them into his tea. How uncouth.

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And why ever would you suppose, my dear WingNut, that I could be even the slightest bit uncouth? I'm offended by the veriest suggestion!

Speaking of uncouth -- my dear Doug, one does not take cream with tea! Strictly milk, don't you know.

Thanks ever so for the quotation, Trespasser! Your erudition does a great deal to raise the tone of this affair.

urrehemm. Drop in on the ladies high tea? Not on, eh what? It won't do will it? Bit irregular I should say. haw haw, eh what? A little punting on the Thames, a promenade in the park is cricket, I say, but the high tea is just not the place of a gentleman, eh what? Whatever would they say down at the club?

I just thought he was a fine upstanding member of our group.

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Should you experience a chill one of the ladies would be more than happy to lend a glove.

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And not a word about my dress, which is stunning though I say it myself! Well, I never!

... but are those WingNut's gloves you have there? Do you know where they've been?

'lance my love you are simply stunning. The flowers in your hair are an inspired touch.

Where ever are your gloves my dear?

I do suggest 'lance that you ask Charles for one of his multi duty ponies. You know the kind, one that plays polo, fox hunts and swims. Union made indeed.

Perhaps we could have a lovely old fire in the fire place. I did notice a rather large stand of oaks that would be very handy. Perhaps even roast a boar if it behooves us.

Also 'lance I strongly advise the brownies. They are rather nice with a good cuppa filled with sugar and milk. Oh yummy.

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Where ever are your gloves my dear?

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O dear. WingNut! WingNut, you filthy boy! I want those thoroughly washed before you bring them back, d'you hear me?!

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Also 'lance I strongly advise the brownies. They are rather nice with a good cuppa filled with sugar and milk. Oh yummy.

I have decided to dress in the Emperor's new clothes. Hold your breath dears, I am on my way.

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Thank you, I don't mind if I... clersal! I'm shocked, shocked at this lubricious plan of yours!

Eck-chewally, in a thread started by earthmother, I am not, since...

... she, skdadl, and Michelle have already begun to shed their Victorian restraint. Where, o where, will it end, I ask you! Soon ladies will be courting gentlemen! Living on their own! (whispers) Even... well... cavorting with one another! Frightening the horses! I feel all faint and flushed at the very thought!

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Oh come, come now dear 'lance

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Now earthmother, dahling, no need to be vulgar.

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* pads over to fishy person sampling the brownies, and sits on his feet to get his attention *

* Discovers no response, so walks to fishy one's face and sticks his wet nose onto his cheek, and observes the fellow blink as though he has just woken up *

And I do aplogize, 'lance dear chap in drag.
For some unkown reason I had mistaken you for a scone dipper. I am sure, in hindsight, you have never dipped your scone into the tea. I shall be less presumptious in the future.

I prefer my cucumber sandwhiches made with chevre and dill.

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Oi which one of youse is Lady Bracknell

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She had two sisters to be benefited by her elevation; and such of their acquaintance as thought Miss Ward and Miss Frances quite as handsome as Miss Maria, did not scruple to predict their marrying with almost equal advantage.

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D'ye know, I remember when we were all chatting away so about them, but my, weren't we still thinking inside the box, as it were!

There's Miss Ward off directing the centre for nuclear research in Geneva -- oh! excuse me! Doctor Professor Ward! -- and you can hardly escape that shocking new novel of Miss Frances's, now that she's just won that prize -- Busker? Blooper? Snooker? -- lurid cover in every window in the high street ...

*elegantly faints*

Ummm seems I went a bit native whilst there. Spent more time studying Molly Malones mussels than reading the sciptures.
Drummed out as it were.

You musn't tell Daddy.

I guess a commision with the Bengal Lancers is my only redemption.

Oh the bitter thankless task of ruling an Empire(tears well up, bites lip in attempt to suppress all emotions)
I apologize I...I seem to have made a fool of myself. Perhaps I should leave.

As you may know, I was a Bengal Lancer in my younger days meself. Hence the "nick-name," what? At any rate, I believe I can say without fear of contradiction that you would be a credit to my old regiment. Why, the thought takes me back to my youth, when I first went out to Calcutta. Briefly went native meself, don't you know?

Games afoot ladies! don't mind the horses, eh what? Can't control the willey fox now can we? Haw haw. I say! hounds on the tables! Mind the tea service chaps!

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the willey fox

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I can't say I see much of the A.s.s. Kissed side of the family although I do here they're doing quite well in business and politics in the American colonies.

We would love to see your list dear. Perhaps we could help you narrow it down. Pray do tell that the horses have no part in that?

In any case dear please do have a brownie and find a lady with a free hand to assist you. With the horses I mean. * fans furiously *

Quite.

Oh, uuurehem. Where was I? haw haw. Equine fetish? Not I, lady, though the trappings (holding the reigns between thumb and forefinger and rubbing) make fine jouets de chamber a coucher eh what? Sometimes one must take the bit between one's teeth, as it were-- but I see no pony girls in this room of fine (sniffs the glove again) lovely ladies.

Having not even declared your intentions to my guardian - really sir, I DO have a reputation.

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Equine fetish? Not I, lady, though the trappings holding the reigns between thumb and forefinger and rubbing) make fine jouets de chamber a coucher eh what? Sometimes one must take the bit between one's teeth, as it were-- but I see no pony girls in this room of fine (sniffs the glove again) lovely ladies.

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Now see here, my man! You have impugned the honour of these fine ladies present, several of whom (I am assured, and can assure you) are, indeed, highly skilled and experienced equestriennes! Regardless of what manner of riding may be in the offing, they are more than equal to the time-of-day, and quite prepared to "go the distance," as the vulgar track-side touts would have it -- if not, indeed, beyond!

Now, now please gentlemen let's not spoil things with fighting. Please sheath your lance and don't hurt the squire. No Paine no gain after all....

Look what has been found sweet kitty one of your pictures.

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There can be nothing else for it, Sir. On behalf of these ladies, I demand satisfaction.

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Oh my heavens, 'lance, I am confused. Which lance is it you were planning to use to get your satisfaction??

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My mistake, I thought it was going to be a duel. Pity, I just got out my white latex nurse's uniform in case I had to tend any injuries...I suppose I won't need it now.

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Apparently, Miss Michelle, neither my insistence that Squire Paine do the right and manly thing, nor your very kind offer to tend his inevitable wounds, have succeeded in drawing him out. Some fellows are just born blackguards.

Nonetheless, so that your honour may be somewhat assauged, and chivalry satisfied, I will make a suggestion, if I may. Why not don that uniform after all, so that we may see you in your true colours, as an angel of mercy who would put Miss Florence Nightengale herself to shame.

And if I may make so bold as to suggest you were to go promenading sans chaperone, would you do an old man the kindness of accompanying him on a walk down the grassy river-bank there, to that point just round the bend which afford such a stunning view of the Thames Valley? I feel certain, too, that the light there would show off your professional garb to best advantage.

Chased the willey fox all the way east to Grenadier's pond this weekend; been away, as it were, haw haw.

Now if you'll excuse me ladies, I've have something to attend to, can't ride something hard and put it away wet, now can we?

ahem.

Well Squire Paine I must say that is certainly an interesting entrance. I believe that last you left us we
were waiting for you to return Miss Michelle's glove which I am sure you must have lost in your hasty
retreat. Most fortunately we have found her another pair, which she may use to take her stroll with Sir
'lance.

I believe you have done yourself a great disservice sir by failing to respond as a gentleman to the
challenge of duel and have shown yourself a blackguard of the highest degree. Now if you would kindly
control your animals I must away to refresh the tables.

I thought I was a bounder.

Oh well as we used to say at Eton "If you can't join em beat em.

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I'm prepared for anything Madam.

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Blackgaurd is it? Very well then, a gentleman is as a gentleman does, eh what?

When one is as proficient with ball and powder as I, perhaps my response was in difference to the other gentleman's life as it were.

Be that as it may, I'm off to the Sudan until you take back your pretty white feather.

Wily. Quite.

And no soldier, neither. Ball and powder, indeed! Why, if the fellow had ever heard a shot fired in anger, or even seen a modern-day weapon close to, he'd know balls have long since replaced by cartridges.

Cartridges, Miss Michelle? Why, they're single units, long and slender with a rounded tip. Permit me to show you later.

And furthermore, you arrive at this affair dressed in the Emperor's new clothes, compound this insult to good taste by offering to let the ladies recline on you -- in your condition, forsooth! -- and then have the infernal cheek to suggest that I, I am a cad?

I, so trusted by the late Queen that I was given the honour of squiring her daughters at late-season balls at Balmoral?

(And here I may finally lay to rest those black rumours that surrounded my person for so many years afterwards... in very truth, during our absences from the dance floor the young ladies were merely indulging me in my taste for historical antiquities, by acquainting me with all the delights the castle possessed in that quarter).

See you these grey hairs? These whiskers? This scar (and I have a few others in addition)?

However, as an old military man, I am occasionally given to using military terminology. I referred strictly to my experience as an advance scout for the Lancers. I meant the nature and shape of the terrain, neither more nor less.

As a gentleman it is my priviledge, nay, my obligation, to rise to your defense.

Smite away, Sir!

And do not question my ability to rise to any occassion. I have stood before and shall do so again when occassion warrants. 'Tis not I who have impugned the honour of the lovely Michelle but you, you scoundrel.

The begger strains to contain himself as he overhears a plot to hijack several Royal Mail coaches with the intent of crashing them into a certain ladies high tea.......

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Please look away, ladies. I must remove my gloves to smite this cur.

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Sir, I have been smitten harder by a mosquito in the fens of the Sundarbans, but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.

One young guide stops and inquires "...where we go now, Tommy?"

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and then have the infernal cheek to suggest that I, I am a cad?

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Now, I knew of the noble WingNut's infernal cheeks, but Colonel 'lance! You surprise me!

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*recovering from her last faint, skdadl catches a snatch of the conversation*

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Indeed. I take it you cocked an ear at the parlour door while Madame Earthmother and Master Crispin were having their... converation? Really, skdadl, a lady never eavesdrops!

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Now, I knew of the noble WingNut's infernal cheeks, but Colonel 'lance! You surprise me!

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You may indeed be surprised, madame. However, you need not enlighten us as to in what sense, exactly, you knew of these cheeks.

A tirade about racial intollerance spews forth from the strange blue eyed English accented man until the telegraph operator insists that it's not a matter of race that the lemonade will not be served to the young guide, but that "It's a telegraph office you nit, not a bleedin' lemonade stand. If you had a telegraph to send, maybe then I could help you."

"Quite. Send this."

To:
Lady Earthmother.

ROYAL MAIL COACHES HIJACKED WITH INTENT TO CRASH INTO HIGH TEA STOP INFORM 'LANCE LATE OF LANCERS FOR THEM TO STOP STOP EH WHAT STOP.

YOURS, THE BLACKGARD STOP. HAW HAW STOP.

"Anything else sir?"

"Send it with one white feather."

"Egret, sir?"

Squire Paine has redeemed himself, and uncovered a dastardly plot against your delightful party which I implore you to read about forthwith!

Now, then. As senior officer here I will take command at once. WingNut, I suggest that we put aside all petty quarrels for the nonce. Kindly escort all the ladies and children into the safest room in the house. Earthmother is most familiar with the nooks and crannies -- she can direct you.

Miss Michelle, there may be casualties. As the only medically trained person here, you should don that uniform forthwith. Should you have difficulties, I would be more than happy to assist.

Madame skdadl, if you have quite recovered from your faint, your manservant has the most spirited mount here. Dispatch him at once to the nearest post of the Royal Mail, which is I believe about five miles hence in the Edgeware Road, so that he may inform them of this plot. They may be able to press some additional constables into service to prevent this coach seizure, if it has not already taken place.

Mr. Kissed, I assume you had some cadet training while at school. And you have expressed an interest in joining my old regiment. You and I will scour the house for anything we might use as a weapon.