quote:

---

This partygril spent the weekend in bed,

---

'ladz, surely a strade lide you caddot paz ub?

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen ... only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in Mississippi. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lessor of two weevils.

3. Two campers sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said,"I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the toughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. We all know who Gandhi was, right? He was a spiritual man who fasted regularly. Some may not realize that fasting, when practiced regularly and for extended periods, leads not only to weight loss, but can also cause bad breath. No matter, his interests were higher. This great leader hardly ever wore shoes. One might say he was ... a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

quote:

---

'ladz, surely a strade lide you caddot paz ub?

---

skdadl, please! A true artist doesn't deign to work with such obvious material.

OK, here's one.

Pablo Picasso dies, winds up at the pearly gates (I know, I know. Work with me, here). St. Peter asks him his name. "Why, I am the great Picasso!" But St. Peter needs proof. Picasso dashes off a great painting. Peter is satisfied, and Picasso enters heaven.

Martin Luther King dies, and gets to the pearly gates. Again, St. Peter asks who he is. Dr. King is astounded. "But St. Peter, don't you know me? And I was a Christian all my life." "Nevertheless," St. Peter replies, "we're all equal before God, and need to show who we are." So King makes a passionate speech about civil rights, in his inimitable style. Peter is satisfied, and King enters heaven.

Those were FANTASTIC! Puns are the absolute bestest, BESTEST jokes.

Once, in Siberia, there was an old man named Rudolph, who spent his time looking out the window and commenting on what he saw to his wife, who would sit in her rocker, knitting. However, since they lived way out in the country, there wasn't much to see, so Rudolph and his wife would talk politics to pass the time. Rudolph was a staunch Communist, while his wife had much more Capitalist leanings (which may explain why they lived in Siberia!).

Anyhow, one day, after a particularly heated political argument about Communism vs. Capitalism, the couple were sitting silent, digesting their affronts from the other. Finally, to break the silence and be conciliatory, Rudolph, looking out the window, mentioned to his wife, "Look, darling, it's starting to rain." His wife, still annoyed over the argument and feeling contrary, said, "It looks like hail to me."

Rudolph insisted, "No, sweetheart, listen to how it sounds on the roof. Look at it. It's RAIN." His wife countered, "I don't need to look. I still say it's hail."

I will trade (id dorbal Igglish) your eddidor wad thad his dubber seved bade be thig of:

(This must describe events of 1972-73, because that's when I was told it. Could someone straighten out my Vietnam history here?)

When Juan Peron was invited to return to Argentina after his long exile in Spain, the CIA were delighted, because they expected they would soon need the luxurious villa where Peron had been kept as a place to stow Vietnamese President Thieu, whose regime was by then getting very shaky. And besides, it gave them a chance to lay bets on an issue that preoccupied them mightily: they really wanted to know whether Thieu could live as cheaply as Juan.

A. A four door pickle!

[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: skdadl ]

The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who
seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well- dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

We need you here in top form. You're still brilliant when you're sick, but id's hahd to udderstad you wid yoah node stubbed ub lyg dad.

Edited to add:

Hmmph. You posted a joke while I was condoling. Perhaps you're not as sick as all that... (Good one, too!)

[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: 'lance ]

My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. (Annie Hall)

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers. (Sleepers)

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends. (Getting Even, 'My Philosophy')

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to sleep with me and she said 'no'. (Woody Allen Volume Two)

I am at two with nature. (Woody Allen: Clown Prince of American Humor)

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work… I want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen and His Comedy)

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

To you I am an atheist. To God, I am the Loyal Opposition.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

My draft board rated me 4P. In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's a pretty good empty experience.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.

(from My Speech to the Graduates)

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: 'lance ]

For each mug to be prepared:

1 clove garlic, crushed

1 small piece ginger root, peeled and finely chopped

1 small lemon, juiced

1 tsp parsley flakes

1 Asp. honey

Add boiing water and steep for 3-4 minutes. Strain into a mug and

drink.

Drink this when you already have a cold or can be taken periodically

Speaking of fever, I just heard that Miss Peggy Lee has died. CBC played that great version of Fever, with the good drums and finger snaps -- 1959 it was made, apparently. She was 81. I find all this impossible to believe.

Did you hear about the clairvoyant midget who escaped from the Don Jail?

There was a report of a small medium at large.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Maybe I am a bit better -- but I look much worse. I need a recipe now for sore red nose.

My contribution for the day, from my favourite bumper sticker site:

Join the Army. Visit exotic places, meet interesting people, then kill them.

I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.

Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

The early worm gets caught.

Plunder globally. Manage media locally.

Rehab is for quitters.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!

Big furore in Hollywood -- kids couldn't get to see the newest Disney movie, "Pirates of the Caribbean."