After seeing the current title on the feminism thread I realize that The Time Is Now!!!

I have several good reasons why we should invade Australia.

1. The weather.

Lets face it, Florida sucks flamingoes, and we are in desperate need of a balmy clime.

We simply must have a balmy clime, if not several.

2. The Aussies are the only bastards that'll give us something close to a fair fight - they're tough, don't kid yourself.

The Yanks you say? Don't make me laugh. The only countries that the USofA can attack without getting completely decimated in the first few seconds of the very first battle are really, I mean really small ones like Panama, Grenada, and Afghanistan. In the case of Panama the yanks got in and out of there in such a real hurry, thereby conveniently but just barely avoiding the hail of unripened coconuts that saw them away...but it was, by all accounts, "a close one". In the case of Grenada, despite the fourteen hundred or so civilian casualties the people of Grenada are a difficult lot to disturb. An understatement if ever there was one. One of my very best friends - Kirby Walker - from a village called Paradise in Grenada, told me that a company of invading American soldiers surrendered to him not once but twice. The first time as he came around the corner of his outhouse still rubbing the sleep from his eyes (he 'released' them immediately and returned to his hammock and his afternoon snooze) and the second time later that evening on the beach in front of his house when he came in from the reef with a pirogue full of Dolly Vardan and in this case he release them - the soldiers not the fish - but not before feeding them a meal of rice, and, of course, Dolly Vardan. The Vietnamese would have destroyed the Americans in the first season if they didn't have to worry about small trifling details like GROWING FOOD so they didn't starve through the winter.

So yes, the Australians are tough but we can take 'em.

My third reason (as if I needed a third reason) is that they deserve it, plain and simple. There is the matter of that thread title and more importantly they are very poor stewards of their wildlife, their wilderness, and mistreat horribly - in an inexcusably racist manner - their beautiful resourceful and astonishingly resilient aboriginals.

Hey, wait a...

[ September 11, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

First, we can send some teachers over to teach "ESL" to Australians.

Afterwards, we can, with some dillegence and a lot of patience, we can demonstrate that it is possible for humans to control the volume level of their voices.

I caution against an actual military invasion, however.

Considering the trouble a handful of cute little bunny rabbits and some toads (well, big toads, but toads nonetheless)caused Australia, I say a clandestine canoe attack that releases a few mating pairs of Wolverines should have the country on it's knees before you can say "crickey! there's a wazzeringbadonga in me Beeya!"

Of course, it would mean that the Canadian Navy would have to free up the canoe for a fortnight, but hey, it's worth the inconvenience.

[ September 10, 2002: Message edited by: Tommy_Paine ]

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Afterwards, we can, with some dillegence and a lot of patience, we can demonstrate that it is possible for humans to control the volume level of their voices.

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I see you've been on a few recce's. The voice thing is just one of many weapons they can throw at us.

But if we were to release a few breeding pairs of wolverines like you say...that crocodile hunter seems game.

"Crikey, just take a look a that beut'!!"

"Come here little sweetheart, isn't she gorgeous, what are you doing so far from yer home in Canadia?"

It's true the Aussies are tough, but then we outnumber 'em three to one or something.

Still, we'll have to live among them once defeated, so I'm with Tommy -- we can do this with an almost complete absence of bloodshed.

Far as I can tell, really dark beer, let alone stout, is almost unknown there, though of course you can buy Guinness. Furthermore, tipping is still not that widespread a custom.

So we should head down there in groups of no more than 6 or so, posing as tourists, and tipping big without being ostentatious about it. That'll lower their guard.

Then, this advance party can set up front companies to import Guinness or -- better yet -- Maudite and the like, 8% alcohol or whatever it is. However, it'll be massively subsidized, so nearly as cheap as water.

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Perhaps and inspection team should be put together. Any volunteers?

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Ahem! black_dog, you must have missed my post above.

This calls for experienced hands. As I say, I've already done preliminary reconnaissance. I'm positive I'm the right man for the job.

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Then, this advance party can set up front companies to import Guinness or -- better yet -- Maudite and the like, 8% alcohol or whatever it is. However, it'll be massively subsidized, so nearly as cheap as water.

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Quite.

And when that sad day of reckoning arrives our stealthful war canoes must hoist high and fly the 'Flag of the Damned' in full colour (that is regularly seen to grace the label of that fine beer Maudite).

*brap*

True story.

I had an Aussie I met in Osoyoos convinced (I think) that Canadians were tough as all hell when I told a little fib about the Canadian Games main event - the mule kick - where Canadian boys well into their cups have to guzzle a thirty ounce glass of beer while seated in a stool that faces Rupert - an oversized and very ornery mule - who at the completion of this glass of beer, at the ring of a bell, Rupert will deliver one solid kick - either to the head (hockey helmet with face mask for protection) or the chest (chest protector) a short and straight obstacle course much like the cricket infield is navigated and the fellow returns to the stool for another glass, another ring of the bell, another kick...ah, ya had to be there...but boy did we laugh...

Tommy is surely aware of The Brunswick Hotel...but does he know of or remember the time that the Australian Womens Rugby team piled into the 'Wick along with the Western Women's Rugby team?

Women of Mass Destruction Indeed!

('97 or '98)

[ September 10, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

Serious Toronto drinkers know that Grossman's, on Spadina, is the only scummy tavern that matters.

There's an idea.

Laugh at the Brunswick, by all means, I know I often do - but keep an eye on Woody - he's an Outporter.

Of course the 'Couv has The Old American and The Ivanhoe not to mention a few hundred dives along Hastings...Victoria I was usually what is known as 'a class act'- the Cherry Bank Hotel to bet on the ponies...

Big Bad John's for the company...

Don't know the slab, I confess.

Let me unlock the debauchery vault - which slammed shut a few years ago when I awoke on the roof of a motorhome one morning...as it was pulling onto the Island Highway!!

[ September 10, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

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but taking over the breweries and surf beaches brings up the nasty prospect of conscription in this land again.

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We could get around that.
Royal Canadian Army Cadet Exchange to Australia becomes a Six Week Tour of Duty in Australia.

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Oooh, a scummy tavern thread.
There's an idea.

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Done! Talk amongst yourselves, I'm too verklempt.

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Just so long as my unit gets the surf beaches.

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Hmm. Must remember to bring this up at the next meeting: "Possible redesign of SCUBA suit."

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*psst*

We'll get that engineering wizard in N Van - Nutyens (sp) to fit you for a custom rebreather.

clersal, for the snakes we've got stilts.

Of course clersal.

How would you like to administer all of New South Wales?

Rule with an iron stilt?

We could rename that territory to sort your whim.

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How would you like to administer all of New South Wales?

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I was wanting to introduce a sober note into this thread. I was going to say something about Woomera.
Should I do that? I feel like such a party-pooper

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This party needs poop!!

That is just one more reason to invade.

We'll liberate those Afghan captives, first thing.

I believe they fall under the jurisdiction of 'lance's territory.

I call dibs on the 'empty lands' but I ain't administratin' nothin'.

I dub my dib to be herein known and refered to as "Jimmy Hendrix"

I'd love to live in Australia, but I imagine I'd hate the politics even worse than here. Even the Labor Party was in favour of putting refugees in camps.

I also offer a "secret weapon." It seems I have a very high tolerance for alcohol. We pick out the stronger WMD's of whatever gender and as I drink 'em under the table the others will be intimidated.

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I'd love to live in Australia, but I imagine I'd hate the politics even worse than here. Even the Labor Party was in favour of putting refugees in camps.

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[ September 11, 2002: Message edited by: clersal ]

They imported the beasties to control mosquitoes in the sugar cane fields.

They are quite large, and make an audible "POP!" when you run over them with a vehicle.

Once we invade and I am made Governor dictator for life, I will declare cane toads to be a social program, then appoint Mike Harris lieutenant governor in the affected territories.

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These toads were supposedly being used successfully in the Carribbean islands and in Hawaii to combat the cane beetle, a pest of sugar cane crops. After rave reviews from overseas, Hawaii shipped a box of toads to Gordonvale, just south of Cairns. These were held in captivity for awhile and then they were released into the sugar cane fields of the tropic north. It was later discovered that the toads (scientific name Bufo marinus) can't jump very high (only about 30cm) so they did not eat the cane beetles which stayed up on the upper stalks of the cane plants. At the time of year when the beetle's larvae were emerging from the ground, no toads were about. So the cane toad, as it came to be known, had no impact on the cane beetles at all and farmers had to go back to the use of chemicals to kill the beetle.

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Fish who eat toadpoles die. Animals who eat young toads and adults die. The museums have plenty of snakes preserved in jars which were killed by toad toxin so fast, the toad is still in their mouths unswallowed. Even small amounts of water which toadpoles have gotten into, such as a pet's water dish, can be poisoned by toadpoles. When the pet comes along to drink from it's dish, it becomes sick. Local vets report that a couple dogs a month are brought in ill just from mouthing toads.

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"Shh, I think I hear clersal coming."

"Is that you, clersal?"

"Yes, it's me, goddamnit."

"One stilt for the poisonous snakes and the other for the cane toads."

Edited to add -

[ September 12, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

Australia definitely needs to be invaded and taken over by sensible people. Meaning of course ourselves.

[ September 12, 2002: Message edited by: clersal ]

We're going to attack Australia!! (bring your parkas and winter boots--I'll explain later)

I've got it all worked out so listen up everbody.

Every American knows that in wintertime Canada freezes solid while the US stays nice and squishy.

If a few dozen well-positioned babblers at regular intervals across this land would only sink in their spades nice and deep where the american soil meets Canadian permafrost and then with a sudden pull towards them...

"Give me a lever long enough and a place to stand...(a place to grow)"

I will move the world...

So we'll need to make this a coordinated effort folks...to free ourselves of the *sniff* landmass directly below us - who farted - *much laughter*

...so I am hoping that in the north of our nation we can get a lot of foot stomping and general mayhem going just as the spades will be doing their magic in the south. I believe there was a rock concert in Tuktoyuktuk a few years back...this should provide the needed shock - with all that foot stomping - and hell, I don't see why we can't use that rocking and rolling motion to help ferry us all the way to Down Under.

Canadians tend to go a little overboard in winter (ever been to Whitehorse?) so summoning the will to celebrate should be a simple affair.

Once we are in range of Australia itself I will need much quiet as it's a bit of a tricky shot - if any of you know billiards - I'm going to bank Australia off of the South Pole - and this is where those parkas and snowboots come into play -

I'll need to consult with 'lance--our expert in plate tectonics...but the rest is elementary...

[ September 12, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

I knew you weren't calling me names, skdadl...

I forgot that it's their break.

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Any resistance will be put down with a swift and decisive nut-kicking.

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All this moving continents stuff makes my head hurt. I'd settle for flooding the Aussie market with strong beer and BC weed until they're too incapacitated to defend themselves. Any resistance will be put down with a swift and decisive nut-kicking.

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I think we hit upon something very, very important. We will want to import at least one Whitehorsean Winter (Aliteration skills like this, and I don't work as a headline writer for the Toronto Sun-- no justice, I tell you.) to kill off all the creepy crawlies. Besides the snakes and toads, there's very nasty spiders the size of small children, and tiny purple octo3.14 that although a cute shade of purple, are fatally venomous-- as bad as my ex, only with less appendages.

Of course, after everything is said and done, and Australians wake up to find themselves invaded and pushed out before they can say Bob's ya diggereedoo, we'll have to concoct a cover story:

[ September 12, 2002: Message edited by: Tommy_Paine ]

[ September 13, 2002: Message edited by: Tommy_Paine ]

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and tiny purple octo3.14 that although a cute shade of purple, are fatally venomous-- as bad as my ex, only with less appendages.

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Three less appendages.

The venom means a long slow death.

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flotsom will do nothing but circumphervent the explanation of octo3.14. The explanation my just be diameteretically opposed to mine

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Stop licking those cane toads Tommy you've got to get up early for work.

Sorry to leave you with these guys, clersal--been working on the baidarka.

And if you cut up those eight legs and bathed them in virgin olive oil that had been infused with several cloves of garlic, then took that with some good garden vegetables, mixed together with some eggs, and baked that in a pastry shell, you'd end up with a nice Octo-pi.

The humour in this is fading in a geometric progression, I think.

[ September 13, 2002: Message edited by: Tommy_Paine ]

I do love the tune though. Ever whistle it softly? Very moving.

We'd have to Canadianize it though:

"Waltzing Beliveau"

Once a jolly Shack man sat inside the penalty box,
Under the shade of gold row three,
And he sang as he sat and waited in the penalty box
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me

Waltzing Beliveau, waltzing Beliveau
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me
And he sang as he sat and waited in the penalty box
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me.

Down came a referee to drink beside the penalty box
Up jumped the Shack man and seized him with glee
And he sang as he tucked referee in his dufflebag
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me

Waltzing Beliveau, waltzing Beliveau
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me
And he sang as he sat and waited in the Penalty box
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me.

Down came the linesman, skating on his CCM's,
Down came the time keepers, one, two, three.
"where's the jolly referee you've got in your duffelbag?
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me

Waltzing Beliveau, waltzing Beliveau
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me
And he sang as he sat and waited in the Penalty box
You'll come a waltzing Beliveau with me.

Another reason to invade!

[ September 14, 2002: Message edited by: skdadl ]

No no no no no no, 'lance. *giggles* It's just that's it has been about a decade since I've followed the young 'uns on film, so I honestly don't know the, um, merchandise on offer here.

Got a pic?

But then, so did Charlton Heston, in Ben Hur ... *different kind of shivers*

Come to think of it -- Gore Vidal in the 50s: swoooooon.

But Australians, 'lance, Australians! Give me a reason to invade!

I am drafting my demand for Australia's unconditional surrender at this very moment.

(Some of us weren't so keen on 'lances goofy plan to temporarily detach Canada--floating it like a giant cue ball--to bank Australia off the South Pole and pocket it into the Heart of Africa).

What I said was, when we send our main invasion force (i.e., the entire population, except for the brave advance guard who'll take the radio & TV stations, surf beaches, etc.), a good way to save airfare (it's damn expensive, don't you know) would be to attach rubber bands to the US border and the North Pole, sling Canada down against Australia, and let it bounce back.

That way, I've calculated, everyone in Canada who wants to go will be propelled gently through the air and land harmlessly in the shallow surf off coastal Queensland, whence they can wade ashore triumphantly. Anyone who doesn't want to go (poor, deluded fools) can grab onto something solid, like the mountains if they're lucky enough to live there, or else just strap themselves down.

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Once we are in range of Australia itself I will need much quiet as it's a bit of a tricky shot - if any of you know billiards - I'm going to bank Australia off of the South Pole - and this is where those parkas and snowboots come into play -

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They're gone.

I was just visited by a surly bunch of Aussies who said they were just looking for directions...

Those were my words I temporarily foisted on ya, mate (oops) I mean, eh.

No worries eh 'lance, mate...in every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts.

[ September 14, 2002: Message edited by: flotsom ]

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Those were my words I temporarily foisted on ya, mate (oops) I mean, eh.

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I should think so. Anyone who knows me knows I would have said "pool," not "billiards."

Anyway, it's forgotten. Don't worry about it. clersal: good idea, but it would take a hell of a lot of trips with a passenger liner, and we'd lose the element of surprise.

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Madame knew all that. But even so -- Stephen Boyd -- swooooooooon.

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Indeed. We were reasonably certain that Madame knew; we merely liked the story. Nor did we mean to make any implications about Mr. Boyd's sexuality.

At any rate, would Madame care for, say, the young Mr. Heath Ledger, star of the forthcoming The Four Feathers? Cuts a rather dashing figure in his British Army uniform, we'd say.

Geez, can't Hollywood be original?

I've got to stop just giving it away on here.

[ September 16, 2002: Message edited by: clersal ]

I tell you, the whole continent is ripe for the pickings.

[ September 16, 2002: Message edited by: clersal ]

I have a hard time imagining why this is spatial concepts were never my strong suit.

You could say that I suffer from constellation consternation, but if you did you'd sound silly.

[ September 16, 2002: Message edited by: Tommy_Paine ]

Tommy, ye landlubber! Start hosin' down them scuppers and swabbin' them decks!

clersal me darlin'... uh, (ahem!) forgive a rough old sea dog who's set in his ways, won't ye? I've never had much practice at talkin' to the real ladies, y'see, 'cos I usually heave-to alongside quite t'other sort... but I hear tell ye're the finest cook in these here parts. And it'll be a mighty long viyage down Under, there. How'd ye like to be Chief Petty Officer in charge of the galley, hey? Ye'll get a first mate's pay and all the help ye need from such miscreants as I send yer way. What d'ye say?

I just thought I'd run this b'y yer.

Oh, and 'lance: I swab for no man. I do, however, polish brass if asked nicely.