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Author Topic: do i have any options?
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 02:22 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I recently broke up with my boyfriend and it was a really bad relationship because of loads of verbal abuse from him. The only way I could get rid of him (because I tried to break up with him at least 4 times before) was to ignore him for a few days and then just finally tell him that I didn't want to see him anymore. Anyway, he owes me a fair sum of money, $175.00, and I'm a student with a credit card bill and this money really matters. I phoned him and he gave me the impression that he would pay me back but then I phoned him again and we got into an argument in which name-calling ensued and he told me I didn't deserve the money and he wouldn't be giving it back to me.

Some people say I should suck it in and be glad that I'm rid of him and just forget about the debt. Do I really have any options to get back my money here?


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
HeywoodFloyd
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posted 19 November 2003 02:26 PM      Profile for HeywoodFloyd     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
If you can prove it in court, take him to small claims. Make sure that the court will award costs as well before you start.
From: Edmonton: This place sucks | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
Timebandit
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posted 19 November 2003 02:31 PM      Profile for Timebandit     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Forget the money. You're out, you're healthy, move on.

When I left my ex (many years ago), he cleaned out the joint chequing account and left me penniless. I was a struggling student at the time, too, but I survived, and I'm sure you can find a way to get by without the $175 (not without hardship, I'm sure -- I've been there).

The longer you go after the money, the more you prolong a toxic relationship. Get the poison out of your life, the money is a small price to pay for your sanity.


From: Urban prairie. | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 02:31 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I can't prove that he owes me it because I bought him something on my credit card which he didn't finish paying me back for ... So it's on my credit card but there's no link to him in ink or anything.
From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 02:38 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Yeah, I figured I would be just prolonging my torture if I tried to get the money back. When I tried to call him, he was acting nice and saying he'd pay me back and I was suspicious and I knew he was just playing head games. I guess I can just hope he gets bad karma. And I can be satisfied with the fact that he came out the cheap asshole and that's how I'll always remember him.
From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
HeywoodFloyd
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posted 19 November 2003 02:39 PM      Profile for HeywoodFloyd     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
The only way you could get him would be if you had a written agreement with him for him to pay you back.

You could pester the crap out of him for either an agreement or the cash but he could get a restraining order against you. It would also leave you bitter and hostile as well as make you look a little loopy.

$175 is a lot of money when you are a student. However, as a lesson learned, it is a cheap price to pay.

I agree with Zoot. Walk away. You will be better for it.


From: Edmonton: This place sucks | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 02:46 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I guess I'll write it off as another expensive lesson learned from this cold, cold city.

Thanks for listening.


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mr. Magoo
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posted 19 November 2003 02:48 PM      Profile for Mr. Magoo   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
If you have another $175, you could probably have his kneecaps "Tonya Harding'ed". It won't get your cash back, but it might make walking away a little sweeter (since you'll be able to)
From: `,_,`,_,,_,, | Registered: Dec 2002  |  IP: Logged
mighty brutus
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posted 19 November 2003 02:59 PM      Profile for mighty brutus     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
breathless, consider $175 a cheap lesson in life. Move on, sweetie, you'll be much better off for it. And when you're ready, try to hook up with a nice guy, OK? There's a lot of guys out there who want a good woman and are willing to treat them like gold. You just have to find them. Problem is, a lot of ladies are attracted to the bad boys, n'est ce pas?
From: Beautiful Burnaby, British Columbia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 03:06 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by mighty brutus:
There's a lot of guys out there who want a good woman and are willing to treat them like gold. You just have to find them. Problem is, a lot of ladies are attracted to the bad boys, n'est ce pas?

I wish I could start finding some of the good ones again! They seem to have disappeared. I broke the heart of a good one a long time ago, unfortunately. I think that my last boyfriend was part of a phase of life I never went through in high school and really had to get out of me, ie. drugs, alcohol, lots of sex, cheating, etc.


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
HeywoodFloyd
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posted 19 November 2003 03:09 PM      Profile for HeywoodFloyd     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Get Arborman to kiss the guy

http://www.rabble.ca/babble/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic&f=3&t=000968


From: Edmonton: This place sucks | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 19 November 2003 03:10 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Mr. Magoo:
If you have another $175, you could probably have his kneecaps "Tonya Harding'ed". It won't get your cash back, but it might make walking away a little sweeter (since you'll be able to)

Definitely an option, but of course then I wouldn't have the satisfaction of knowing he was the big jerk and not me!


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
April Follies
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posted 20 November 2003 02:20 AM      Profile for April Follies   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by breathless:

Definitely an option, but of course then I wouldn't have the satisfaction of knowing he was the big jerk and not me!


You're a wise, wise woman, Breathless. But get a voodoo doll if you want some harmless venting...


From: Help, I'm stuck in the USA | Registered: May 2003  |  IP: Logged
skdadl
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posted 20 November 2003 10:50 AM      Profile for skdadl     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I second that view, breathless -- on your wisdom, that is, and a voodoo doll might be good anger-management therapy.

It takes a while before you can stop chewing nails over guys and stuff like this. When I feel that way, I make speeches to my cats in the early morning, when no one else is around. The cats listen very solemnly. They obviously believe every word I say and approve of my every action.

And good riddance to the jerk. Pulling yourself out of a financial hole is never fun, often depressing -- but you sound as though you're feeling pretty resilient right now, so overcoming this is going to make you feel even stronger.

And apart from that, how's life? Nice to meet you, etc.


From: gone | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
mighty brutus
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posted 20 November 2003 11:00 AM      Profile for mighty brutus     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by breathless:

I wish I could start finding some of the good ones again! They seem to have disappeared. I broke the heart of a good one a long time ago, unfortunately. I think that my last boyfriend was part of a phase of life I never went through in high school and really had to get out of me, ie. drugs, alcohol, lots of sex, cheating, etc.


Take your time, there's no rush! I find that some people (& I don't mean you specifically) aren't comfortable in their own skin & can only define themselves through a relationship. This applies even to people in their forties, so if you can learn that lesson at your young age, you're ahead of the game, girlfriend.


From: Beautiful Burnaby, British Columbia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
Lima Bean
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posted 20 November 2003 11:16 AM      Profile for Lima Bean   Author's Homepage        Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
money and personal items, broken promises promised to be kept, these are all tools used for manipulation and prolongation (a real word?) of torturous break-ups.

I'm with all the others who say you should just forget about the money, move on, and be strong in your resolve that he's the shithead, and your The Shit (the good way).

In breakups, I find, there's usually one who feels either bitter and vengeful, or over the top broken-hearted, or whatever, and they usually try to make the other person feel as bad as possible. I've seen people go to great lengths to get any kind of emotional response from their breakup counterpart. Everything from revealing plans to propose to admitting they cheated, to stealing stuff, or doing the most melodramatic dropoff of "all your things that you left at my place."

But it's all just manipulation. It's disrespectful and invasive. If you've broken up with someone in very clear terms, and you meant it, then anything they do to try to change your mind, IMO, is a trespass on your personal space and consciousness.

Uh, is it as obvious as I think it is that I've been through shit like this before? Just let it go, Breathless. You'll be better off in no time, I promise.


From: s | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged
Timebandit
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posted 20 November 2003 11:44 AM      Profile for Timebandit     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
I've read (no, I can't remember where...) that a suffereing relationship is one of the big factors in getting in over your head financially. I've done it twice -- once with my first marriage, and again during a twisted relationship with an alcoholic that lasted two years. I "allowed" him to dump me, then, when he wanted to come back, just expounded on how absolutely right he'd been, silly me, should have seen it all along...

The blond guy found the same thing in a former relationship he had with a mentally ill woman.

Anyway, bad relationships apparently tend to lead to debt. Interesting, eh?


From: Urban prairie. | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 26 November 2003 03:03 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by skdadl:

It takes a while before you can stop chewing nails over guys and stuff like this. When I feel that way, I make speeches to my cats in the early morning, when no one else is around. The cats listen very solemnly. They obviously believe every word I say and approve of my every action.

And good riddance to the jerk. Pulling yourself out of a financial hole is never fun, often depressing -- but you sound as though you're feeling pretty resilient right now, so overcoming this is going to make you feel even stronger.

And apart from that, how's life? Nice to meet you, etc.


wow, i was surprised by all these replies! everyone on this messageboard is so nice

i'm sorry i didn't get back to you until now. i don't have regular access to a computer!

about the guy situation, i feel like i'm really getting over it. i've made a vow to stop talking about exes to my immediate friends.


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
mighty brutus
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posted 26 November 2003 03:10 PM      Profile for mighty brutus     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by breathless:

everyone on this messageboard is so nice


You really ARE new, aren't you?


From: Beautiful Burnaby, British Columbia | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 26 November 2003 03:13 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Zoot Capri:

Anyway, bad relationships apparently tend to lead to debt. Interesting, eh?

I think that's totally true. your relationship's state is linked to your mental health and your mental health can be linked to your bank account. especially after a bad breakup you might go on a shopping binge to make yourself feel better. or you want to change your identity from who you were with that person so you do this through buying things.

i already notice a change in my spending habits. no more fast food, no more taxis... its helping me pay off my credit card debt at least


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
breathless
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posted 26 November 2003 03:17 PM      Profile for breathless     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by mighty brutus:

Take your time, there's no rush! I find that some people (& I don't mean you specifically) aren't comfortable in their own skin & can only define themselves through a relationship. This applies even to people in their forties, so if you can learn that lesson at your young age, you're ahead of the game, girlfriend.



all of the above=completely and absolutely true!

i've been feeling really old lately. not old, but mature. i think i learned a lot about myself from this last relationship now that i've had time to reflect on it. i realize that it didn't affect me as much as some other relationships still do, even though they happened years and years ago. the dramatic break up and money loss may have something to do with how it was oh-so-easy to dismiss him as a jerk and cut the ties completely!


From: toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
windymustang
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posted 26 November 2003 08:55 PM      Profile for windymustang     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
You go gril. Take the time, take the time, take the time and think about what you have learned before getting into another romance.

I didn't learn that lesson until I was 38. That was the first time in my life that I was single for any amount of time. I spent 2 years figuring out myself, my goals and dreams. I didn't want to include a mate in my individual goals and thus found I learned a lot about myself.

Good luck and best wishes, breathless.


From: from the locker of Mad Mary Flint | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged
Mycroft_
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posted 26 November 2003 09:06 PM      Profile for Mycroft_     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Go to a legal clinic (your school may have one) and ask them to write your ex a letter requesting payment by a specific date if he wants to avoid court action (or if you have a friend who is a lawyer and willing to write a letter for you, even better). A well worded letter from a lawyer is usually enough to get someone to pay a debt.

In Ontario going to small claims court costs $50 (if he loses he'll usually have to pay your costs on top of the amount he owes you) but if you don't think your case is solid it might not be worth it. Again, a legal clinic could probably advise you of your chances.

[ 26 November 2003: Message edited by: Mycroft ]


From: Toronto | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged
Wilf Day
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posted 26 November 2003 11:21 PM      Profile for Wilf Day     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
I bought him something on my credit card which he didn't finish paying me back for.

While those who say "move on" may be right, you should know that you have a choice. It's not up to you to prove he didn't finish paying you back, it's up to him to prove he did, if he can. There is no presumption of gift from girlfriend to boyfriend, it's up to him to prove that the item is his now.


From: Port Hope, Ontario | Registered: Oct 2002  |  IP: Logged
pink bullets
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posted 28 November 2003 01:31 AM      Profile for pink bullets     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
quote:
Originally posted by Wilfred Day:

While those who say "move on" may be right, you should know that you have a choice. It's not up to you to prove he didn't finish paying you back, it's up to him to prove he did, if he can. There is no presumption of gift from girlfriend to boyfriend, it's up to him to prove that the item is his now.


thanks to everyone for yr advice. i have called him and requested that he pay me if he wants to avoid going to court and we've made a date for him to pay me. we'll see what happens although im sure he's dicking me around. i was thinking of pursuing a letter from a lawyer in the meantime. i asked a friend's sister who's a lawyer and she told me to call him one last time.


From: Hamilton/Toronto | Registered: Nov 2003  |  IP: Logged
rev biff mojo
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posted 29 November 2003 05:37 PM      Profile for rev biff mojo     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Kiss the $$ goodbye! But here's a little stunt you might want to consider. Take out a subscription in your ex's name to some disgusting porn magazine like Bestiality Confidential or Puppy Love but have it mailed to his neighbour's address.

Hey, ya only go around once. Might as well have some fun.


From: mortal coil | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged
Michelle
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posted 29 November 2003 05:39 PM      Profile for Michelle   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
Hahaha!

Hey, rev, I've never heard of those magazines before. How have you run across them?


From: I've got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell. | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged
rev biff mojo
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posted 29 November 2003 05:43 PM      Profile for rev biff mojo     Send New Private Message      Edit/Delete Post  Reply With Quote 
My neighbour keeps bringing them over to me!!
From: mortal coil | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged

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