Author
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Topic: a story from real life
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N.Beltov
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 4140
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posted 15 December 2007 08:06 AM
I went to a seasonal house party last night, socialized, had a few drinks, sang a few carols, ... the usual.One of the women at the party and I struck up a conversation. We know each other and are friends. Anyway, we got to swapping stories. It turns out my friend had been sexually assaulted in the none-too-distant past. She and I had been swapping stories with a "survival" theme. She didn't go into any detail except to observe that a person sometimes does what they have to do to survive. I'm still a little amazed at her gumption in sharing that story. It never ceases to amaze and appall me how many women that I personally know have been victimized in this way. And I'm just talking about the ones that choose to be forthcoming with me. That's it. Just thought I'd share that story.
From: Vancouver Island | Registered: May 2003
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Stargazer
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 6061
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posted 15 December 2007 08:15 AM
Thanks N. Beltov for sharing that, and to your friend for being so courageous in sharing that story. I find that sharing stories like that one tends to do two things, 1) get people in attack mode by belittling your experience(s) and 2) invokes the silent treatment and then avoidance. Many women here on babble, myself included, have shared personal stories such as these, and the sharing of these stories has led to nothing good. I would never share like that again. I have learnt a lesson and that lesson is - beware of what you tell people about sexual assault and/or rape. It tends to bring out the worst in people and can damage an already damaged ego. This is not a babble specific thing, but happens all the time, everywhere. I suspect this is why women no longer choose to talk about their experiences here or anywhere for that matter.
From: Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. | Registered: Jun 2004
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bigcitygal
Volunteer Moderator
Babbler # 8938
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posted 16 December 2007 06:49 AM
I'd like to add my thanks to N.Beltov for sharing his story. My comment is that N's experience is an illustration of the crux of the difference between how men and women view violence against women, which of course includes all rape and sexual assault. For women it's a real threat and possibility we live with every day. For some men it's way more abstracted, until someone like N's friend chooses to share her experience. The reactions / reasons Stargazer gave pretty much come from the same place: not being believed. Women usually don't share our stories of sexual assault unless it's with more close friends/lovers/family. It's our way of trying to ensure the safety of the telling of our stories. Women babblers have learned this the hard way. Please read many older threads if you want to know what I'm talking about.Violence against women, for many men, can remain a completely academic and theoretical topic, even "a topic like any other" as in "Okay we're done talking about violence against women (it's bad, gotcha), what else you got?". I've had conversations like that with men IRL and even if we aren't talking about something personal to me, such talk reminds me that sometimes even the most strident of male allies (I mean that in a good way) can forget that women are always living with this. N.Beltov, you've shared that you never cease to be amazed and appalled at the range and scope of violence against women, and how it affects women who are in your life. As an ally I would ask you to never cease being appalled, but to try to cease being amazed, do you know what I mean? Thank you again for sharing, N.
From: It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent - Q | Registered: Apr 2005
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N.Beltov
rabble-rouser
Babbler # 4140
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posted 17 December 2007 11:17 AM
I don't socialize or work with such people much at all. But I usually know to say something to put a stop to such talk when I'm faced with it. I've got a friend who makes misogynistic remarks now and then. I put him on the spot, challenge whatever claim he's making, and let him try to answer. I usually just leave it at that as he's never able to make a coherent reply but sometimes we talk a bit more, dig a little deeper, and so on. It's not much of a challenge; he's got few women friends, he makes ignorant generalizations that are as easy to dispose of as shooting fish in a barrel, he's poorly educated and not very articulate, etc., so I refrain from being "in-your-face" with him and just let him know what I need to say and that's that. I could bully him easily with words but that would achieve nothing. Furthermore, there are other people that have a strong influence over him, one of which has spent time in jail for assaulting a girlfriend. I spend very little time with these other friends of his. The one who was convicted of assault once came at me with a beer bottle after I said that, given his criminal record of beating up women like his ex-girlfriend, he should just "shut the fuck up" with his misogynistic remarks about women. He moved pretty damn quickly, probably due to his time inside and having to fight now and then, and I would have taken a shot to the head with the beer bottle before I got one off myself. I have to give him credit though ... he backed off and didn't crack my skull open after all. We just sort of glared at each other armed with a couple of Molsons. In hindsight it was a foolish thing to say in those circumstances ... but I was just disgusted by his remarks and couldn't help myself.
From: Vancouver Island | Registered: May 2003
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